Pastor

Pastor's Word

Get Holy with Hackney ~ May 2008

On Tuesday, April 15, 2008 shortly before noon I watched out the Pastor’s Study window as Pastor Jim and Ruth drove off in their station wagon as well as the two yellow moving trucks. Many people in Oostburg (and I wouldn’t exclude Jim & Ruth) are doing some grieving.

I am one of those people. I didn’t think that I would be. I thought that Jim & Ruth would simply come back, pack up, and leave. I was never a direct beneficiary of Jim or Ruth’s ministry here in Oostburg. In my head I knew that Jim chose not to come back (the session wanted him to return). And yet I felt sad about his and Ruth’s leaving. Part of that may be that his not returning was one reason that I said no to an interim pastoral opening two hours from my home in Baton Rouge. But a larger cause for my sadness is that I was called as a temporary supply to prepare the church for Jim’s return, and for whatever reason, that return is not going to happen. I cannot say, “Mission (in full) accomplished!”

This might be a good time to talk about emotions. Emotions can be rather messy at times. My family when I was growing up usually ran away from them like moonshiners from revenuers! But I have come to see some negative consequences that seem flow from that approach. Are there some other ways of looking at emotions that may be more beneficial long term?

Let me share with you some of my own history with strong emotions. When I was a pastor in Thibodaux, Louisiana, I had four or five women in the congregation that I would describe as “highly anxious”, i.e. they would have intense feelings and get all over my case for numerous issues or events in the church or community that didn’t go their way. One example was that flowers were put on the communion table on a non-communion Sunday. I soon developed a very professional and mature response regarding these females. I decided that whenever I was alone in the church (the secretary was only 20 hours a week) I would not answer the phone, because it might be one of them. If it was my wife (or some guy), they would leave a message and I would call them right back; if it were one of those women, I would wait until the next day to call them back.

Here are some options that can lead to healthier emotions:

· Own your own emotions – they belong to you alone. When I couldn’t handle other people’s strong emotions, I also realized I that I wasn’t handling my own emotions very well, either. I was used to letting my emotions bottle up, then explosively come out, and land on others. I had to learn some ways to reduce my own anxiety that was safe for those around me. Sometimes I say Psalm 46 to myself a number of times. Other times I reflect on the fact that others are not 100% responsible for my emotions – my actions, choices, and more importantly my beliefs were instrumental in my presently strong feelings.

Let other people own their own emotions – their emotions are about them, not you. I had two reactions to emotions in others that helped me survive, but weren’t helpful in the long run. One was to run and hide when others, especially women, were angry or upset (whether it was about me or not). The other was to rescue people who were in deep pain – I felt good about helping them. Today, I try to stand by those who are either angry or in pain, but I try to help the other person (if they are ready) process their own emotions. I try to avoid telling grieving people “helpful” statements like, “When are you going to get over this and get on with the rest of your life?” Strong emotions can be a gift that God sends a person, but that person is the one to open the gift.

Peter Steinke in his book How Your Church Family Works describes a dysfunctional system as a ping-pong match between a few people who can’t handle personal pain and a usually larger group that cannot stand pain in others. Much of the group’s energy is spent watching the ping-pong match. The system becomes more functional when a majority of the leaders (say in our case, the session) have a high tolerance of their own personal pain (I am in pain, but God will see me through this; I don’t have to do anything right away, and I might grow spiritually because of this pain) as well as a high tolerance of pain in others (I will walk alongside you in your pain, but I can’t save you from your choices; if you would like to make different choices in the future, I would be glad to help you process that). Then if either of the “ping-pong players” (those who can’t stand to be in pain or those who can’t stand pain in others) come to talk to the session, the elders will be able to play an objective role in the healing process.

Shalom,

Pastor Walter